Posted by: brambledoula | November 28, 2007

Out of Focus

I feel like I’ve hit a turning point. Not so much the end of the road, or even the light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe that the tunnel itself is at least visible. My brain has turned to fuzz. I feel antsy, like I want to work on things, but I sit down to knit, or read, or sew, or try to organize stuff, and it’s suddenly like I’ve got serious ADD and just can’t focus on it at all. I know it’s probably just more of some weird form of nesting, kind of like how a cat may pace around before finally ripping into the underside of your mattress and depositing a pile of kittens and afterbirth. So that’s where I am. Pacing. Antsy. I don’t want to be antsy. I want to be calm, birthing goddess mama. It’s a beautiful image. It’s also bull shit sometimes. Things are just slowly (but faster than they seem), winding, spiraling down to the beginning of the end and the beginning of the beginning. I’m supposed to keep my knees closed till after the holiday. I’ll try but I’m not feeling too optimistic about that. With my last I felt ready, emotionally, but physically wasn’t done yet. This time around emotionally I’m hanging on, but physically my body is flashing bright neon pink lights at me with a countdown clock.

Another list of things I need and or to do:

  • get the rest of craft and office crap out of nursery
  • put together amby bed
  • finish sewing diaper covers
  • get a 9v battery for baby scale
  • get my slings, diapers, changing table, and other misc. baby crap out of the shed, clean, dust and inspect for spiders

i think that’s about it. there’s some knitting projects i’d like to finish but they aren’t must haves. Ideally i’d like to finish xmas/yule shopping soon too. Ds1 is easy, he needs a new bike. Ds2 not so much- he wants a frigging TUBA. I asked him if he even knew what a tuba was and he goes on to demonstrate using hand motions and noises the difference between a tuba, trumpet, trombone, and a saxophone and that the tuba is his favorite. Well that’s fantastic, I LOVE music, I love that HE loves music, and tubas cost thousands of dollars, are about 6 times as big as he is, and I can’t find a small or toy one anywhere. They just don’t exist. Apparently there is no market for the toddler sized toy tuba. My other guess for him is a tool set and a bunch of cheaply made broken electronic gadgets for him to dismantle so he stops dismantling everything else in the house with the screwdriver I left out from building the iguana cage.

And as for our traditional Yule celebrating, not sure if we’ll make it for any public events this year. We’ll see!

See, I can’t even keep a full blog post on focus. It’s all a big blur 🙂


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